So bored.
Reading another British comedy, felt inspired.
Confident in knowledge that no one is reading this crap anymore so I can post just about anything l want. I just wanted one or two people out there (my guess would be D. Pop and Miranda) to sympathize with the colossaly crappy day I had.
I’ll leave this up till W.E.F. makes me take it down.
It’s not good.
It’s not funny.
I’m just starved for company.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Now before you understand in full why am I am so highly irritated as I am over what amounts, in retrospect, to a series of minor nuisances, you need to understand the concept of realities. Today for example I have two realities, well infinite realities really but only two I want to discuss. One, in which I spend the better part of the afternoon in the tender embrace of a particularly well-endowed female who may or may not have been topless. This was the reality I had really been hoping for. Of course, that had been the reality I was hoping for more or less every day since I was twelve, but on this particular day the proper arrangements had been made with a consenting well-endowed female. Now the other reality was very different. In this other reality, my car preformed an amazing transformation by converting itself from a fairly adequate means of transportation to a very large paperweight that pinned me squarely to a couch in a car maintenance park. Don’t get me wrong, the good people of Triple-A were remarkably friendly and, as a stranded motorist, I couldn’t have asked more from a towing industry, but they lacked that personal attentiveness I had rather been expecting when I woke up this morning. Now it isn’t really fair to say that every possible thing that could go wrong did go wrong, the aforementioned W.E.F. was not furious; which, at the very least, preserved the possibility of future embraces; tenderness and dress code to be determined. Now I realize that this wasn’t the worst possible reality I could have suffered today, but given the fall from what was planned to what, in time, occurred I feel my irritation is well enough justified. And if you disagree; that’s your right, just as it is my right to politely request you fuck off.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Eagle Ceremony Speech
Thank you. My name is Johannes Haensch, I am an assistant-scoutmaster for Troop One North Salem and I’ve known most of these boys since about seventh grade. Before I get into the speech in earnest I’d like to take a moment to answer a few frequently asked questions so you can better pay attention to my speech, free from distractions. Yes, I am the guy with the kilt, no, I am not wearing the kilt, Yes, it is a really kilt, No, I’m not Scottish, Yes, I’m reading off a sheet of paper, No, I most definitely did not write this all this morning, Yes, I believe in what I’m about to say, No, it isn’t all serious. With that out of the way you should now be better able to sit back and soak in my wisdom like so many unformed hunks of sponge. So here goes.
Also, just so you know, transcripts of this speech and all of my other fine speeches will be available for sale after the ceremony and on my blog.
Oh, one last addendum, I wasn’t given any time limit and I was told the subject was anything I pleased to speak about, with exception to profanity. So I’m feeling this whole thing out as I go.
According to the Wikipedia, the eagle scout award is "the highest rank attainable in the boy scouting program of the boy scouts of America." Lofty praise indeed from a source that once called Grover Cleveland the 22nd AND the 24th president. But I think the Wikipedia may have this one right. Eagle is a significant step in the career of a scout. It isn’t really an end per se, it’s really more of a bridge. It connects your youth experience to your adult service in a truly significant way, of course there’s also a short cut to the whole adult leader bit, but the accomplishment is in not taking the short cut. And while one cannot deny the honor and courage required to hit Star and stagnate for two years, the attainment of Eagle is just as good, if not better, for some people. Just remember what Geoffrey Chaucer said of the award, "Ye been submytted thurgh youre free assent To stonden in this cas at my juggement. Acquiteth yow as now of youre biheeste, Thanne have ye do youre devoir atte leeste."
That said, I must admit when I was asked to speak on behalf of my fellow senior scouts I was more than a bit confused. It took some time for me to really wrap my mind around the situation. But once I was good and satisfied that they actually did want me to give a speech, I could not have felt more honored. I consider these guys to be among my closest friends, and I couldn’t be happier if it were me being awarded today. Some of you may know that I never made Eagle myself and I have nothing but respect for those that did. But I found myself in a rather unique situation, for the first time in a long time I had absolutely no idea what to say. A man I much respect once told me that tact was knowing the perfect thing to say and not saying it, he quickly followed this by telling me that I was personally devoid of such restraints. And holding true to his assessment I find myself in what might be called an anti-tactful moment, that is to say, not knowing the perfect thing to say, but still talking. Now, I could go profound "this is the next step in your journey toward manhood young one" but that’s a little silly coming from someone three month your elder, I could go with inane cliché "may the road rise up to meet you and the wind blow up your kilt" bah I have no taste for the Hallmark adage, or I could follow a third path, I could ramble on in what basically amounts to a series of non-sequiturs, in-jokes, bogus memories, and quotes from Wikipedia. I think my choice here is pretty clear and I stand by it.
Now, if I had more time at my disposal here today I would have liked to go into a lengthy biography of each of the peers that so honored me, but alas my time up here is limited so I will restrict myself to two sentence about each boy. Russell A. is an honest friend, a quick thinker, and a cheerful volunteer, the model Boy Scout. He is also the only person I’ve ever met in my life who can play Halo while simultaneously spinning straw into gold. Thomas M. served as our Senior Patrol Leader to great accolade and has time and time again proven himself as just the guy you want around. He has also won significant awards for his marksmanship, his hand-to-hand combat, and his ballroom dancing. And Jake H. is also here today. Jake is, to my knowledge, the only Senior Patrol Leader to take power by coup and have a senior leader designated as his "enforcer" on the troop registry, three guesses who he picked for that job. He also once ran into a burning building to save a family of kittens, granted he was "saving" them from frostbite by running them in and bolting, but just the same. These scouts are, without question, worthy of your praise and admiration, and Jake’s pretty good too.
I would like at this point to deviate a little bit from the standard bulk of my speech today to tell you a little story I think you can learn a little something from. Once upon a time there was a little engine. This little engine was a hard worker and he gave it his all even though he was smaller than some of the big engines and weaker than some of the big engines. And one day this little engine was pulling a heavy load when he came to a big hill. He struggled his hardest to climb the hill but every time he got halfway up the whole train would slide back down. He gritted his little engine teeth and pulled as hard as he could, the whole time saying "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." And it worked, he got all the way up to the tippy top of that hill before his boiler exploded scalding his engineer to death and rendering him completely useless. He was than replaced by a much bigger, stronger engine that was capable of doing the job that was needed. I hope you learned a little something from my wee parable. But for Jake’s benefit let me just tell you what the moral was, simply this. Work you hardest at every task that’s put before you, but don’t be ashamed to ask for help, and never, under any circumstances, ride inside a steam engine.
Hang in there, I just have one last little thing to go into before I give up the microphone. This award isn’t just a single personal accomplishment, granted the boys up here today worked harder than most of us ever could to earn this distinction but, ask any Eagle-parents and they’ll tell you, this award is a testament to a damn good support system. For each Eagle you see in front of you dozens of friends and family have given freely of their time and their skills to help them out, and they should feel just as honored today as the boys up here. And speaking of family, it’s absolutely fantastic to see all of you here today. You are the ones who make this whole thing work, give yourselves a hand. Now before I hand the podium over to Mr. Mendleson, who will be speaking on behalf of our super-senior eagles Chuck and Angelo, let me say to all of you up here today, on behalf of my Troop, my family, and my self, congratulations and good luck, you’ve all earned it.
Also, just so you know, transcripts of this speech and all of my other fine speeches will be available for sale after the ceremony and on my blog.
Oh, one last addendum, I wasn’t given any time limit and I was told the subject was anything I pleased to speak about, with exception to profanity. So I’m feeling this whole thing out as I go.
According to the Wikipedia, the eagle scout award is "the highest rank attainable in the boy scouting program of the boy scouts of America." Lofty praise indeed from a source that once called Grover Cleveland the 22nd AND the 24th president. But I think the Wikipedia may have this one right. Eagle is a significant step in the career of a scout. It isn’t really an end per se, it’s really more of a bridge. It connects your youth experience to your adult service in a truly significant way, of course there’s also a short cut to the whole adult leader bit, but the accomplishment is in not taking the short cut. And while one cannot deny the honor and courage required to hit Star and stagnate for two years, the attainment of Eagle is just as good, if not better, for some people. Just remember what Geoffrey Chaucer said of the award, "Ye been submytted thurgh youre free assent To stonden in this cas at my juggement. Acquiteth yow as now of youre biheeste, Thanne have ye do youre devoir atte leeste."
That said, I must admit when I was asked to speak on behalf of my fellow senior scouts I was more than a bit confused. It took some time for me to really wrap my mind around the situation. But once I was good and satisfied that they actually did want me to give a speech, I could not have felt more honored. I consider these guys to be among my closest friends, and I couldn’t be happier if it were me being awarded today. Some of you may know that I never made Eagle myself and I have nothing but respect for those that did. But I found myself in a rather unique situation, for the first time in a long time I had absolutely no idea what to say. A man I much respect once told me that tact was knowing the perfect thing to say and not saying it, he quickly followed this by telling me that I was personally devoid of such restraints. And holding true to his assessment I find myself in what might be called an anti-tactful moment, that is to say, not knowing the perfect thing to say, but still talking. Now, I could go profound "this is the next step in your journey toward manhood young one" but that’s a little silly coming from someone three month your elder, I could go with inane cliché "may the road rise up to meet you and the wind blow up your kilt" bah I have no taste for the Hallmark adage, or I could follow a third path, I could ramble on in what basically amounts to a series of non-sequiturs, in-jokes, bogus memories, and quotes from Wikipedia. I think my choice here is pretty clear and I stand by it.
Now, if I had more time at my disposal here today I would have liked to go into a lengthy biography of each of the peers that so honored me, but alas my time up here is limited so I will restrict myself to two sentence about each boy. Russell A. is an honest friend, a quick thinker, and a cheerful volunteer, the model Boy Scout. He is also the only person I’ve ever met in my life who can play Halo while simultaneously spinning straw into gold. Thomas M. served as our Senior Patrol Leader to great accolade and has time and time again proven himself as just the guy you want around. He has also won significant awards for his marksmanship, his hand-to-hand combat, and his ballroom dancing. And Jake H. is also here today. Jake is, to my knowledge, the only Senior Patrol Leader to take power by coup and have a senior leader designated as his "enforcer" on the troop registry, three guesses who he picked for that job. He also once ran into a burning building to save a family of kittens, granted he was "saving" them from frostbite by running them in and bolting, but just the same. These scouts are, without question, worthy of your praise and admiration, and Jake’s pretty good too.
I would like at this point to deviate a little bit from the standard bulk of my speech today to tell you a little story I think you can learn a little something from. Once upon a time there was a little engine. This little engine was a hard worker and he gave it his all even though he was smaller than some of the big engines and weaker than some of the big engines. And one day this little engine was pulling a heavy load when he came to a big hill. He struggled his hardest to climb the hill but every time he got halfway up the whole train would slide back down. He gritted his little engine teeth and pulled as hard as he could, the whole time saying "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." And it worked, he got all the way up to the tippy top of that hill before his boiler exploded scalding his engineer to death and rendering him completely useless. He was than replaced by a much bigger, stronger engine that was capable of doing the job that was needed. I hope you learned a little something from my wee parable. But for Jake’s benefit let me just tell you what the moral was, simply this. Work you hardest at every task that’s put before you, but don’t be ashamed to ask for help, and never, under any circumstances, ride inside a steam engine.
Hang in there, I just have one last little thing to go into before I give up the microphone. This award isn’t just a single personal accomplishment, granted the boys up here today worked harder than most of us ever could to earn this distinction but, ask any Eagle-parents and they’ll tell you, this award is a testament to a damn good support system. For each Eagle you see in front of you dozens of friends and family have given freely of their time and their skills to help them out, and they should feel just as honored today as the boys up here. And speaking of family, it’s absolutely fantastic to see all of you here today. You are the ones who make this whole thing work, give yourselves a hand. Now before I hand the podium over to Mr. Mendleson, who will be speaking on behalf of our super-senior eagles Chuck and Angelo, let me say to all of you up here today, on behalf of my Troop, my family, and my self, congratulations and good luck, you’ve all earned it.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
The man in this picture is playing golf. The game of golf consists of hitting a stationary ball with a stick and than walking to where you hit it and hitting it again. The one challenge of the game is carrying the heavy bag of clubs but, as seen here, they have little golf-slaves to do that for you. Yet people still claim that golf is a real sport. Isn't that stupid!
Frosh post
These are the best years of your life; be ready. Always remember that, no matter what happens. When you have to stay up till midnight or later working on homework, these are the best years of your life. When your friends go their separate ways and you end up in social limbo, these are the best years of your life. When you put everything you’re worth into a goal and still fall short, these are the best years of your life. One day you will look back on this all so fondly. You will just sit alone in a dark room and think back nostalgically on the petty social ordeals, the mindless tedium, the mind-warping stress of rejection, the thinking every single day “God, get me out of here or kill me now.” And you will know, “those were the best years of my life.”
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